The Mirror Isn’t Your Enemy—It’s Your Coach
By Dr. Pia Fitzgerald, The Agile Leader Blog
The main person you’ll always have to lead is YOU.
In my last post, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: What’s Blocking My Team’s Call?, we explored how the Mirror Principle helps leaders spot communication roadblocks by first looking at themselves. The truth is, what frustrates us in others often reflects something in us that stings—OUCH! But here’s the thing: the mirror isn’t there to embarrass you or whoop your tailfeather (that’s the transactional leadership model of your parents/caregivers). The mirror is your coach. It’s about feedback, not failure. It’s the place where you can offer yourself curiosity instead of criticism. It’s the nudge that says, “Hey Leader, here’s where you can grow so your team can glow.”
In this follow-up, we’ll dig deeper into how to turn that mirror from a harsh critic into a trusted ally. Because when you learn to see resistance or frustration as coaching moments, you unlock the kind of leadership that builds trust, connection, and collaboration.
Why We Resist the Mirror
Listen Linda, Larry, and Lee: most leaders don’t love the idea that the “problem” they see in others might actually be a reflection of themselves. It feels easier (and safer) to point the finger outward than inward. But when we resist the mirror, we resist growth—and quite frankly, if left unaddressed, sh-t gets worse, not better! Yeah, I said it!
Ever been frustrated with what looks like lackadaisical energy in your team? Maybe it seemed like no one wanted to step up and take initiative. Did you pause and look in the mirror? Did you ask: Am I giving them room to step in, or am I unintentionally micromanaging? That resistance you’re feeling might be holding up a mirror to your own habits.
Remember the proverb: the mirror will never smile before you do. Are you reflecting what you actually want to see?
SEEN Reflection: Spot the Moment
When frustration or defensiveness bubbles up, that’s your first clue the mirror is at work.
What just happened that caught my attention or stirred my reaction?
The Mirror as a Coach
Here’s the reframe: the mirror isn’t punishing you, it’s coaching you. It reflects where your leadership has room to expand. Instead of taking that reflection as judgment, take it as an invitation to breathe out and actually see what you need to see.
Example: if your team resists change, maybe they’re mirroring your own hesitancy to adapt. That reflection isn’t failure—it’s insight.
SEEN Reflection: Examine the Lens
The story you tell yourself about the moment may not be the whole truth.
What story am I telling myself about this situation—and what else might be true?
Curiosity Over Criticism
Criticism shuts down growth because it fuels defensiveness. Curiosity, on the other hand, creates possibility—and it calms the nervous system, pulling you out of fight, flight, freeze, or appease, so your prefrontal cortex can get back in the game.
When you bring curiosity to the mirror, you stop asking “What’s wrong with them?” and start asking “What’s this moment trying to show me?”
Here are three coaching questions to keep handy when your mirror shows up:
What’s being reflected back to me?
What is this moment trying to teach me?
How can I respond in a way that builds trust instead of tearing it down?
SEEN Reflection: Expand with Curiosity
Curiosity transforms confrontation into growth.
How else could I see this? What else might be true?
Turning Reflection into Growth
The mirror doesn’t just reveal where you’re stuck; it shows where you can stretch. Resistance and frustration are coaching moments in disguise.
For example, if your team seems overly defensive, instead of pushing harder, pause and ask: Am I delivering feedback in a way that feels safe? That small shift can unlock enormous trust.
SEEN Reflection: Navigate Next Steps
Growth comes from responding differently and choosing aligned action.
What’s the next aligned step I can take that builds clarity, confidence, or connection?
Conclusion: From Harsh Critic to Trusted Ally
The mirror isn’t your enemy—it’s your coach.
Let me say it again: The MIRROR isn’t your enemy; it’s your COACH (spoken in my sweetest most energetic tone, of course😊)!
And like any good coach, its goal is to help you grow stronger, sharper, and more self-aware. By choosing curiosity over criticism, you transform resistance into resilience, and you create the conditions for trust, connection, and collaboration to thrive.
Action Item: What’s one mirror moment you can reframe as a coaching opportunity this week? Share it with your team, your journal, or even in the comments—it would bless my 👖 to hear how you’re putting this into practice.
Next Up: Stay tuned for Part 2 of the Mirror Mini-Series: The Humor of Leadership Mirrors, where we’ll laugh at the funhouse reflections leadership throws at us—because sometimes the best way to grow is to laugh it up. Heck, I STAY laughing…it’s a medicine like no other 😊!